I Wake up to a Nightmare

I went to bed last night and my head was saturated and swollen with tears. I had to sleep propped upright a bit as I was suffocating in them. I took a bit of Ambien and managed to sleep. What a relief to escape from the news for a few hours, but oh the misery of jolting awake into the full force of our new reality and a head so solidified with tears it had turned into cement.

My biggest fear has now come to pass.

But I coped OK as the day went on. I am adapting to the horrible news and in action mode. I’m working hard, using all my ingenuity and resources to make sure our lovely boy is getting the best treatment available.

It was wonderful to talk to Sara, who as usual is so good in a crisis. Very few people are, I’ve realised. I’ve learnt not to depend on anyone really, as when bad news comes a lot of people bury their heads in the sand. Sara put her dog down only a few months ago and I supported her through. It helps to talk to someone who understands.

I booked some cranial osteopathy which helped release the pressure in my skull. A nice therapist but as usual with all these people, the back massage just too weak. Oh for a proper deep massage that gets into the knots!

I also felt better after talking to the homeopathic vet who is so soothing and encouraging. I have booked a consultation with him in Potters Bar this week. He is booked up till then but he recommended some homeopathic remedies. Boyfriend on a Short Fuse and I drove to Ainsworth to pick them up so I feel better for having taken action. I visited the butcher in the Fulham road for a good chicken which I poached for Nutty’s dinner, with some quinoa and veg. Nothing is too much trouble!

He has a marvellous appetite, I am so relieved. I’ve been giving him more food than usual to build him up. He has lost a kilo and I want to make the most of his good appetite, in case it becomes too painful for him to eat or he loses his appetite.

I burst into tears at strange times, whenever I mention it on the phone to someone…. Tears just spurt out of me, I have no control. Better out than in.

Such joy to see his little furry long face first thing in the morning and whenever I rush up the stairs after being out. He is always so delighted to see me. Even when we’re out with Boyfriend on a Short Fuse, Nutty always cleaves to me. He stops when I stop and walks by my side, straining sometimes to keep up. Each moment is a bonus with my dear darling friend. No one has ever loved me as much. I wonder if I will ever love anyone as much as I love him. I hope so. I will miss the love. I will miss the love most of all and it will leave a big love-shaped hole in my life.