Toastgate - Boyfriend on a Short Fuse Loses the Plot

Felt very low today. Anxiety about nutty's horrible, growing mouth cancer came over me in surges. Some of the time I am OK and thinking about other things, but then, suddenly, I will think about losing him and I will break down. But he is so well in himself. He is eating well, drinking rather a lot - but pretty perky all things considered. I am cooking him fresh chicken regularly. I poach a bird every few days and puree it with veg and quinoa. Pureed food is so much easier to eat and one eats more than if it is in pieces.

Boyfriend on a Short Fuse and I went to chant at P’s today. That was very nice and everyone sympathetic about Nutty. Then Boyfriend on a Short Fuse took dogs to his mum for the day, giving me a blissful day to myself. I do love Sundays alone. I went to yoga but the teacher is very stressy and controlling. She is quite a good teacher and I enjoy the exercises but she is so bossy. and disconcertingly fat. She got upset because I like to be at the back of the class away from all the mirrors. I suspect some Iyengar influence with her, that is a very bossy discipline and Iyengar teachers like to rap you on the leg if you are doing something `wrong’ (well, wrong to them).

I was so tired when I came back. Revived myself with a small bowl of chicken and mayonnaise (I am drowning in chicken at the moment what with cooking so much of it for Nutty) with smoked salmon then went to bed for a few hours. Amazingly I actually dropped off which was delicious. Napping in the afternoon is a heavenly indulgence.

I dragged myself out of bed to get on with paperwork. I am behind in all admin at the moment and post is stacking up alarmingly. It is a struggle to keep going.

I felt so low that I was researching the Dignitas Assisted Dying clinic. I felt some disappointment that you have to be terminally ill to be considered.  `Healthy’ people can’t just roll up to Zurich and get their terminal injection sadly. They must just throw themselves under trains or out of windows or hang themselves like poor G’s daughter. Although I think seriously about ending it all I must pull myself together. I would cope better if I felt more supported. It’s OK when Boyfriend on a Short Fuse is calm, but when he is shouting at me (last night, he had a fit because I went into kitchen as he was making himself some toast and honey, I asked if I could have a nibble which set off a terrible rage that went on for hours).

I miss the past when friends would actually ring me up rather than just email/text. S calls, thank God, and J and D, but most people just email. L, who is a close friend, dislikes the phone. Ditto elusive brother who emails fairly regularly and likes to meet up but admits he rarely calls anyone. It makes me feel sad and lonely but what can you do. Under the circs, is it any surprise I put up with Boyfriend on a Short Fuse. At least he is human and here.

Fearful row last night after the toast issue. Ended with me saying `is it any wonder I don’t find you physically attractive any more?’ It's not really true but I say it just to dent Boyfriend on a Short Fuse's teflon coating. Although to be honest, what with dealing with the Beloved's cancer, sex is the last thing on my mind. I would trade sex for his health any time.