I am heartbroken. I wonder if I will ever feel whole and
happy again without my darling dearest friend, supporter and greatest fan to
cheer me on.
Even as he is dying he is no trouble, hardly bleeding, not
heaving or having fits. Just quietly lying down, his head at a strange angle to
his body underneath my bed.
I went out to see the homeopath earlier and when I came in Nutty
wasn’t in the sitting room where I left him. Boyfriend on a Short Fuse came down and ran around
asking `where is Nutty!’
Like Lazarus he had risen from his deathbed and staggered
into my bedroom where he collapsed and is still lying down.
So we are all in limbo. We went to see Richard the
homeopathic vet, fully expecting him to do the deed. Only for him to say that
he doesn’t do the injections (the injections! I call it, so light and easy
sounding for something so enormous), but that he would give us some homeopathic
remedy to hasten his passing. Which we have duly been giving him on the hour,
but the little man’s heart remains as strong as ever.
Richard said it is better for dogs to die in their sleep as
the injection is not as easy as it sounds, problems finding veins, etc. But, he
added, if he was still alive in the morning it would be the kindest thing to
take him to the vet. And so we are blessed with one more night with the
beloved.
I don’t know if it is worse for it all to be dragging out.
He is really lost to us now anyway, as Boyfriend on a Short Fuse said, a
vegetable, although I know he knows me. He even wagged his tail once for me
when I stroked him this morning (was it this morning or this afternoon, I can’t
remember). He doesn’t seem to be in discomfort but obviously transition is
difficult for man and beast.
Our homeopath is very enlightened and so perceptive. She is
physic as I suspected, hence her very penetrating comments and questions. She
is terrific and just gets to the crux of everything. I explained about BOASF
and she asked why I stayed with him. Well, habit, love, because he is helpful,
indispendsable in many ways. `Why don’t you just hire a handyman?’ she asked
reasonably when I had said how wonderful it was that he had sent off for a very long hose on Amazon which will water the whole roof garden in minutes.
Today he crossed the line again. I forgot the leads and he
rounded on me, heaping abuse, called me a beep, beep, beep (email me for details of unmentionable word) 3 times. Later he said he didn’t
call me a beep, but said that I behaved like a beep. Well I don’t really see
the difference. Yes he is impossible, and we don’t have respect for each other
and desperately need a break. But I can’t go through this time
alone and so I am grateful for that.
I is staying tonight. She is good company and a new
friend. Very kind and intuitive. It is lovely to have the support of a fellow
dog lover who has lost beloved companions. BOASF had gone back to his place. So
quite a nice day if it wasn’t for all this.
The homeopath explained that grief comes in waves… it’s
true, I am shocked that on the way back from not killing our dog at the vet,
with Nutty in my arms I can be thinking about reading the electricity meter and
what to cook for dinner. As if anything else matters a jot. And yet life goes
on. At least Nutty is going before me. He would have hated it if I had left
him. And so he is leaving me, utterly heartbroken. I hope and long to love
again. I will miss the love.
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